Life change · Mom's Corner

I will ALWAYS wonder who you would have been

1 in 4 women suffer a pregnancy loss and I am the 1 in those 4.

Earlier this year I found out I was supposed to be a mom to another baby due on, or around, November 4th.

That baby didn’t make it to today, nor did it make it very far into the pregnancy to begin with. I never would have realized how that would make me feel until it happened to me. I have had two very healthy and successful pregnancies prior to that and it didn’t even think to wait until after the first trimester was over to announce it to family because the thought of losing this baby didn’t even cross my mind.

Until I went into my first appt and my doctor told me we should be able to see SOMETHING on the portable ultrasound monitor even after I mentioned slight bleeding. She then moved my ultrasound appt up to the very next day–to my surprise–to confirm what she didn’t see on the monitor.

So the next day I went downstairs to radiology and she tried seeing the baby from the outside… she then directed me to empty my bladder and she’d be right back. (And if you haven’t experienced this yourself, you’ve probably seen in movies that this isn’t a good sign). I went to the bathroom, peed, and heard a very audible sound hit the water in the toilet. I knew I didn’t have to do my duty… so I knew exactly what just happened.

I washed my hands, stood over the toilet, covered my face and I uncontrollably sobbed for a few minutes as I took in the realization that I won’t be meeting this baby in November. The ultrasound tech knocked on the door and asked if everything was okay and I told her I’d be out in a minute. As weird/gross as it sounds, I didn’t want to flush…

Did that mean I was flushing the baby down the toilet? Was the baby even in that mess? Maybe this is just something out of the norm happening and the baby is really okay! So I reluctantly flushed and walked into the room.

She could tell I was just bawling–there was no hiding it. So she proceeded with the endovaginal ultrasound and confirmed there was no longer a baby to be seen. I told her what just happened in the bathroom only minutes before and she apologized for my loss.

On my drive home and to my third day of work to a new job, I called my husband and I let it all out. I had a mini panic attack at the idea I probably just flushed our baby down the toilet like it was bodily waste. I also felt immense guilt. Was it something I did? Did I eat something I shouldn’t have? Was it the copious amounts of coffee I drank? Was it me stressing over maintaining a perfect figure? What on earth did I do wrong that took my body’s capabilities and turned them against me? I would have loved that baby more than my own life.

I think after having two kids already, my emotions were skyrocketed due to thinking if I had miscarried during either of my previous pregnancies I never would have been able to enjoy my girls like I do. What could this baby have been like? Would the baby have been the boy I was hoping for next? Or another girl we could have used our other girl name we chose for? Would this baby have finally looked like me?

So… Chances are very high that you know someone who has suffered a pregnancy loss that you know nothing about, because they either never made it far enough into the pregnancy to be comfortable to announce it or because almost as quickly as they found out the exciting news it was taken away just as such. It’s something that weighs heavily on many parents’ hearts. I know October was pregnancy and infant loss awareness month… but I wanted to wait and see how I’d feel about writing about this until the date came around when I should have been a mother to three beautiful babies. So here I am.

One day I will meet my baby beyond the pearly gates… until then I will remain eternally grateful for the two amazingly beautiful girls I have been blessed with.

Here’s to all the babies we never got to meet, or got to meet but will not get to watch grow up. Some babies were only made for heaven.

And to all the parents who have suffered the same… My heart goes out to you.

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Grief and Loss

What cannot be said, will be wept

What cannot be said will be wept.

This comes with grief.

Over the last week two people I know have had some sort of loss in their lives. Whether it was someone they love or someone they worked with. Neither one, will you ever be ready for. You never know how it will affect you until it happens to you.

And the heartbreaking reality is- it will happen to you at some point in your life.

The loss I learned of this morning is weighing heavy on my heart. It’s not my loss to grieve, yet I grieve anyway. It was the loss of a child. A child they had the chance to meet, but will never get to know. I hugged my youngest a little longer this morning. Thankful that I am able to hold her and watch her grow and play. I also called my oldest first thing to say good morning and let her know how much I love her. (She’s away on an adventure for the next 9 days).

And I wept.

The loss I learned of a few days ago affected my mother. She doesn’t need to work but she does. She finds joy in working with and helping others (I get my soft, extremely emotional, empathetic heart from her). She lost a coworker. Someone who made her laugh and who would light up any room he walked into. My heart hurts for her, his family and her company’s loss. And you know what?

They wept. 

A loss isn’t always the passing of someone. Its also letting go of toxic people in your life. People that you love dearly but know that its better to love them from a distance than letting them do harm to you or watching them consistently do harm to themselves and others around them.

They weep.

A loss is divorce. Its having a falling out with someone. Its miscarrying a life you were hoping to celebrate. Its one day hanging up the phone with someone you called a best friend and then never hearing their voice again- by choice. Its losing yourself trying to become someone you’re not for someone who doesn’t accept you for who you are. Losing yourself is also a loss.

All these scenarios (and these are just a few examples) are considered losses to all people in all different walks of life.

Now the pain that’s accompanied with all these examples varies on who you talk to. It varies on what that individual felt during that time, and probably still does. We are not the ones who get to judge whose pain is worse or whose loss was greater.

We can all weep for our losses.

Sometimes we hit a wall with words and don’t know what to say. I am someone who has a way with words yet still, when it comes to comforting a grieving loved one, even I am sometimes at a loss for them.

Whether you don’t have the words, or don’t wish to speak them- its okay just to weep