Life change

I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way

My brain is like a train that is never on track. Like the person who works the railroad switch to engage the track to veer one way instead of the other decided to skip work and steer me in the wrong direction– everyday.

Like there’s a fork in the track (think of a real fork–a realistic one, one with 4 or 5 prongs–not like a fork in a road) and each car of the train decides to split apart and take its own path, yet the caboose remains at the fork unsure of which car to follow. All that, equals my brain.

Do I want to work full time? Do I want to be a stay at home mom? Do I like this job? Should I go back to serving? Work from home? Should I change my outfit for the 100th time? Hair up or down? It’s cold at work, jeans and a tank top or shorts and a hoodie? Am I raising my kids right? Or should I follow the books more? This never changes in my head. All I know is that there are two things I’m certain of:

  1. Once I make up my mind, it’s made up. (It’s the process of making it up part that gets me)
  2. I want to see more of my kids.
  • That’s it. My husband always refers to that scene in The Notebook where they’re arguing and he’s asking her what she wants and she argues back that it’s not that simple. Yeah, I’m Allie. In all things.
  • I get along pretty well with everyone in my life and generally with the people I surround myself with. The only person I can’t seem to agree with anything on is myself.

    I need to learn how to just do something if I want to do it. Yeah, I mean weigh out the pros and cons first, and make sure the cons don’t outweigh the pros and not vice versa. But not if the cons are mainly people who don’t support me, or people who tell me not to do something because it’s an unrealistic idea. Those people can go you-know-what themselves. And I need to remember to not be one of those people, myself.

    I need to do something that I want for a change. Not what I think other people will applaud me for doing, because I know for a fact that there are more people who wish you well to your face but are sticking around for “support” just to see if you fail.

    I wish so badly that people weren’t so ugly towards other people. It’s really not that hard to be kind.

    But there I go… being a hypocrite (again) because my biggest enemies are the voices in my head telling me that my dreams are unrealistic, even though I know how hard I would push myself if I would just follow-through with them. This is my last step.

    I am slowly breaking down that wall. I’m climbing up the shattered pieces that have come down and I’m using them as stepping stones to make my way up and over it.

    This brick represents all the “You-can’t-do-it’s“. Step.

    This brick represents the “Its-not-possibles“. Step again.

    This brick represents all the doubts in my mind that I couldn’t or shouldn’t ask for help. Another step.

    This brick represents the false idea that no one will support me. And another step.

    On that last brick of false ideas I stand and look over the wall. I can see the horizon of possibilities that looks back at me. And just like that horizon– they’re endless.

    I’m so close to being over the wall. So I look up at the brick that I know will fall, if only I can just shake the nerves, block out the voices, and pray to God for the courage.

    Just one more brick. Just one more step. Just one more “You can do it.”

    And I’m there.

    Advertisements

    7 thoughts on “I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way

    1. I wish it becomes easier for you. There are times when I also don’t know whether I should keep going on or just give it. It’s just drives me crazy because there is no right answer to it. I guess that’s the game-what we choose, we should stick with it and make it right

      1. Thank you so much! You’re right. It’s either do it, or don’t. Thinking about it is too heavy a burden to carry around.

    2. We all have moments of indecision. The main thing is to think on it, listen to that quiet voice inside and then move on. It sounds like this is your process, so you are well on your way to a life where your desires and your decisions are truly aligned. 👍🏽

      1. Yes! It is my process to an extent. Except more often than not the voice that I end up listening to is the Negative Nancy telling me not to. Therefore a decision is MADE, just not the one I originally wanted to go with. Thank you!

    3. Girl I feel this post on such a personal level! I have been exactly where you are now – to be honest I think we all have! To struggle is to be human and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just remember to put some time aside for you every. single. day. I know it’s not always easy but sometimes all it takes is 2-3 minutes in the morning of meditation and reflection to quiet your mind! Thanks so much for having the courage to share this, I know things will get better for you soon! Sending so much love and strength your way.
      xx J

      https://forevertwentysomething.ca/

      1. I need to learn to get up early enough to spare a couple minutes to meditate. I’m such a procrastinator it’s insane! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for your heartfelt feedback. I love your blog as well!

    What did you think??

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.