Mom's Corner

This is just a phase…they won’t want these things forever

So I’m sitting on the couch with my husband and settling onto the couch when I hear “mommy?” for the umpteenth time… The first time was around 8:30. Then 8:47. Then 8:52. Etc, etc.

This is just a phase.

This is just a phase.

This is just a freaking phase.

My toddler has been an independent sleeper since she was 6 months old. We hardly have any issues with getting her to bed and her staying there.

Until recently.

Maybe she’s still hungry. Alright, here’s a snack. Maybe she’s not ready for bed. Okay, you can play a little longer. Or….maybe she just needs me. Okay, let’s go in your room together and I’ll put you back to bed. I laid her down started brushing my finger across her face as she rubbed her eyes, tickling her back like I do for her sister, humming a song, until she points to the space to her left and says “Mommy, too?” She wanted me to lay next to her. So that’s what I did. I climbed into her crib and curled up next to her. She slid her little arm under my neck and hugged my head against her body.

And it hit me. Hard.

I realized I have not laid down with her to put her to sleep since she was 6 months old–she’ll be 2 next month. I laid there and watched her slowly blink away the day as she played with my hair. I did that until I noticed she was starting to fall a little deeper into her slumber and decided to get out before I ended up waking her as I did it later on. So I got out and stood by her crib and repeated my earlier actions. I brushed my fingers across her face. I tickled her back. I glued my eyes to her little body. I watched the rise and fall of her chest.

And I cried.

I cried because I feel like I lost a year and some change putting her to bed and leaving her to self soothe, rather than basking in the moment. I watched how beautiful she looked while she so peacefully lay there, slow-blinking, and then shooting them back wide open to make sure I’m really still there, then slow-blinking them shut again. A step that she repeated over and over until she gave into sleep.

I stood there and soaked it all up. The way she picked her nose until she was almost asleep and then switched it up to her hands behind her head flipping away at her earlobes instead. The way her hand fell down to her stuffed monkey to make sure it was still there after she closed her eyes for the night. The way she said “Mommy?” when she sensed me backing away.

The way I succumbed to her needs and laid on the floor by the crib with my arm between the rails and held her hand until it was limp and her breathing heavied.

When she was out for the count I carefully tip toed away, I closed her door, went straight to my husband, buried my face and I cried even more. Why didn’t I do this more often? Why did I wait this long? Why haven’t I done this sooner?

I feel like I robbed myself that time because she is so easy at bedtime that I didn’t even think to do it. I was so focused on her being an independent sleeper that I missed out on those peaceful moments for so long. I wanted to rewind time and snuggle her more and for even longer. She was breastfed until 6 months old when I started working again so I would normally come in, feed her to sleep and go back to my bed–and she and I were okay with that.

Or at least I thought I was until that moment. I pride myself in thinking I soak in many of these little moments, but clearly–at some point–I slipped. Maybe I feel like being at home all day with her compensates for missing other things. Maybe I am so eager to be able to sit in silence and read a book, fill an order, or watch a show without distractions. Maybe it just became so routine, it didn’t cross my mind until the recent events of her escaping her bed/room that I just laid her down, did our kissy/peekaboo/hair in her face routine, and kiss her again, that it didn’t occur to me that she’d crave for me to stay with her until she fell asleep.

I mean I do it for her older sister a lot of times–but she’s also old enough to ask for it.

And I know that I want to embrace these moments because just as quickly as I wish this phase away of her constantly getting out of bed… gone will be the days she actually wants me to. So until then I’m going to remind myself…

…This is just a phaseshe won’t want this forever.

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Life change · Mom's Corner

I will ALWAYS wonder who you would have been

1 in 4 women suffer a pregnancy loss and I am the 1 in those 4.

Earlier this year I found out I was supposed to be a mom to another baby due on, or around, November 4th.

That baby didn’t make it to today, nor did it make it very far into the pregnancy to begin with. I never would have realized how that would make me feel until it happened to me. I have had two very healthy and successful pregnancies prior to that and it didn’t even think to wait until after the first trimester was over to announce it to family because the thought of losing this baby didn’t even cross my mind.

Until I went into my first appt and my doctor told me we should be able to see SOMETHING on the portable ultrasound monitor even after I mentioned slight bleeding. She then moved my ultrasound appt up to the very next day–to my surprise–to confirm what she didn’t see on the monitor.

So the next day I went downstairs to radiology and she tried seeing the baby from the outside… she then directed me to empty my bladder and she’d be right back. (And if you haven’t experienced this yourself, you’ve probably seen in movies that this isn’t a good sign). I went to the bathroom, peed, and heard a very audible sound hit the water in the toilet. I knew I didn’t have to do my duty… so I knew exactly what just happened.

I washed my hands, stood over the toilet, covered my face and I uncontrollably sobbed for a few minutes as I took in the realization that I won’t be meeting this baby in November. The ultrasound tech knocked on the door and asked if everything was okay and I told her I’d be out in a minute. As weird/gross as it sounds, I didn’t want to flush…

Did that mean I was flushing the baby down the toilet? Was the baby even in that mess? Maybe this is just something out of the norm happening and the baby is really okay! So I reluctantly flushed and walked into the room.

She could tell I was just bawling–there was no hiding it. So she proceeded with the endovaginal ultrasound and confirmed there was no longer a baby to be seen. I told her what just happened in the bathroom only minutes before and she apologized for my loss.

On my drive home and to my third day of work to a new job, I called my husband and I let it all out. I had a mini panic attack at the idea I probably just flushed our baby down the toilet like it was bodily waste. I also felt immense guilt. Was it something I did? Did I eat something I shouldn’t have? Was it the copious amounts of coffee I drank? Was it me stressing over maintaining a perfect figure? What on earth did I do wrong that took my body’s capabilities and turned them against me? I would have loved that baby more than my own life.

I think after having two kids already, my emotions were skyrocketed due to thinking if I had miscarried during either of my previous pregnancies I never would have been able to enjoy my girls like I do. What could this baby have been like? Would the baby have been the boy I was hoping for next? Or another girl we could have used our other girl name we chose for? Would this baby have finally looked like me?

So… Chances are very high that you know someone who has suffered a pregnancy loss that you know nothing about, because they either never made it far enough into the pregnancy to be comfortable to announce it or because almost as quickly as they found out the exciting news it was taken away just as such. It’s something that weighs heavily on many parents’ hearts. I know October was pregnancy and infant loss awareness month… but I wanted to wait and see how I’d feel about writing about this until the date came around when I should have been a mother to three beautiful babies. So here I am.

One day I will meet my baby beyond the pearly gates… until then I will remain eternally grateful for the two amazingly beautiful girls I have been blessed with.

Here’s to all the babies we never got to meet, or got to meet but will not get to watch grow up. Some babies were only made for heaven.

And to all the parents who have suffered the same… My heart goes out to you.

Life change

True Colors— my epiphany moment

I had an epiphany moment in this morning thanks to an amazing mentor I crossed paths with in the last few days. I have posted a lot about needing to love yourself and I try my hardest to follow my own advice but let’s face it…

We are our own worst critics.

I have been failing myself at walking the walk. Not only that–I just fail myself daily. And on top of that, there are people out there that I know, love me… that fail me also. I am trying to learn that it’s not only me failing myself.

This post is more of a self reflection post more than anything and is probably my hardest to write… so if you aren’t here to relate or share in these experiences with me please stop reading now.

I have people I go to and share my joy with that laugh at me instead of relish in my excitement. I have people I go to who put me down constantly and belittle me in moments of frustration. I have people I go to when I need to vent and instead of being a listening ear and providing insight, they turn my issues around and make it about them and how “there are always people worse off” or “I’ve been there, you don’t have it that bad…”. These people I go to are all people I love dearly.

Now if you know me, you know I come off as this super confident, happy go lucky, funny, pretty girl, who seems to have her life together. The thing is… while I know how to be that girl. I am not that girl.

I struggle with so many things. I struggle with being happy and staying that way. And nine times out of ten it’s me beating myself up because as soon as I find myself happy about something I immediately think of reasons that turn it into sadness or anger. Or when I find confidence in something, it’s immediately knocked off my shoulders by the voices in my head and there I am again sulking… probably over nothing.

I ran into many people this week who came up to me and said things like “you are someone to miss when you’re not around“, and “who could forget you?!“, and “I would recognize you in a room full of people, your presence radiates confidence“, and “you always know how to make the uniform look good“, along with so many other nice things… and you know what?

I did not believe a single one of them.

…and if I did it was only for a split second and I was back to thinking, “I’m sure I was only missed until I was replaced“, and “you’d be surprised how forgotten I feel“, and “that confidence is a facade, it’s how I mask being nervous” and “but have you seen how that person makes the uniform look?!“.

I do not know how to turn it off. So for those of you still reading and calling bullshit, this is why I told you to stop reading earlier.

Until I was able to talk to someone I look up to and we were able to talk about work, life, where we are at in our lives, “why’s” and “why not’s”, career path choices.

People like this are people I need more of. Then I reflected back and thought of the people I go to when I share my personal achievements and aside from my husband, most of these people are ones who hardly know me and I looked back at my messages and texts and I have found that they are the people I go to most when I want to share things because they seem to be the ones I don’t get judgment, humiliation, or belittlement from. I can always expect a “that’s awesome!“, or “good for you!!“, give me a reality check, or will always talk me back into doing something I’m already talking myself out of “do what makes you happy” they say…

The people I go to the most are people who hardly know me.

…they make me feel more like me. And maybe I’m wrong, they probably know me more than some of the closest people in my life because they let me truly be myself. And these people I almost never see, if at all.

I was watching Trolls with my youngest this morning and the scene where Princess Poppy–the ultimate optimist– has been defeated and Branch–the ultimate pessimist– who was someone she hardly knew anything about before their adventure to see the Bergens, sees her defeat and starts singing “True Colors” to her and brings her back to being herself. I started crying uncontrollably, immediately.

This is what has basically happened to me.

Be kind to people. Everyone. From every walk of life. Their battles may not be obvious. Just be kind, they may be like me.

Mom's Corner

Motherhood— Nature’s calling? Or straight up Nature?!

I see a crack of light and the silhouette it creates accentuating the beautiful gift God has provided me with– my oldest daughter… who creepily whispers my name early in the morning as she stands motionless in my doorway. OH. MY. GOSH. Why?! That’s right–school… and it’s picture day. That crack of light capturing her silhouette was my eyelids refusing to open as they were reacting to the bright light my daughter turned on.

I cross the rocky terrain that is my living room to reach my destination. The end is in sight (or the beginning, really, for that matter) and I can almost reach the coffee pot… I make it! But not unscathed by my surroundings as I stepped on a giant LEGO aka “breakfast” that my toddler “made” for me and put ever-so-sweetly in a bowl in my path to the kitchen.

I close my eyes for a [milli]second and listen to my surroundings. I take in the [not so] faint calls of the wild. The monkey’s howl, the lion’s roar, the cow’s moo, the cat’s meow, the sheep’s baaa, the frog’s “bibbit”, and the toddler’s cry! I hear the sounds of an endless flowing river that is Bubble Guppies and Paw Patrol babbling in the background… and I mean never ending and unfortunately somewhat catchy.

The coffee hits me at the same time as my hangry child’s stomach decides to scavenge for a ‘nack. So I plot my escape to the bathroom with a decoy of distraction with piranhas goldfish in a cup over by the couch and I make a break for it! But I am not fast enough. The toddler catches up with me as I’m trying to close the bathroom door and in fear of frightening the toddler and hurting her fingers I give in. She sits there feeding me piranhas goldfish as I do my business –she doesn’t take her eyes off of me.

My nose senses something’s gone awry and knows it’s time to capture the toddler and put her in a new net that catches her waste that is the diaper. But she knows what’s up. So I make my way into her room, grab my tools to clean a bottom and I see her. She lurks around the corner thinking I can’t see what she’s up to. So I back up out of her line of sight and I wait silently. I hear her steps as she creeps closer and out I pop with a playful roar and I tickle her to the ground. It’s all fun and games until she crocodile rolls away with remnants of poo on her rump. Not today, tiny human! Not today.

She’s fought long and hard and is ready to give in. But not before she pulls on my pant legs, plays with her food, pulls her sissy’s hair, fights with the floor, cries out for “douche“–which I translate as juice, colors on sissy’s homework, eats her prey dinner, gives me kisses, and says “nigh-night“.

Finally. Time for myself. I sit, close my eyes, and listen. No more roars, “bibbits”, or cries. No more rough, LEGO-breakfast terrain to trench through. No more secret passwords I mean…terrible, new-age math homework. No more toddler-chaperoned trips to the bathroom. No more hugs. No more “I love you mom“s. No more bodies in my arms to snuggle.

The day is done. My heart is full. And even with the chaos-clad days I have I still want to wake those sleeping beasts for just another kiss.

But I know what awaits tomorrow so for now I’ll take my rest.

So as the light closes on the horizon that are my eyelids– I sleep.

Uncategorized

Damaged goods- I miss the Me that only knew the good

Do you remember what you were like before you were ever damaged? Before life hit us with bricks named reality?

I miss the me that came before reality. When I actually believed that I am enough. I am not just damaged goods.

There are days I long for my youth. My innocence. When all I knew was that I was taken care of and I didn’t have any cares of what else this world had to offer except that I was going to be a singer and make lots of money! And be super rich!

I was going to grow up, get married, have kids, get rich and take care of everyone I love.

…Until I wasn’t. And am still not.

I miss the me before my first love heartbreak. That loved the guy I tried to love and love again, just to be hurt, hurt again, and then ultimately broken. When I knew how to fully trust a person without insinuating allegations over minuscule things. Who, despite all the crappy relationships I fell into, still trusted someone enough to marry them and start a family, that ultimately led to more trust issues and belittlement– and ended.

I miss the me who didn’t worry about what to wear or how much I should or shouldn’t weigh. When black and white striped shorts totally went well with a pink and purple polka dotted shirt and kids wouldn’t make fun of me for it. When I didn’t compare my own unique beauty to those around me– and then feel less beautiful because of it.

I miss the me before I had kids. Not in the sense that I have lost myself, more so in the sense that I worry so much more--about bad people, bullies, rapists, murderers, other drivers on the road and what other people are capable of doing to them if I even take my eyes off of them for one second. I worry about myself and beating myself up about more than my looks, but now about my parenting skills (or lack thereof). Am I doing this right? Are my kids happy? Should I do this or that? Can they see that I have no idea what I’m really doing and that I’m just winging it, most days, just to get through the day? Or that I am nowhere near as neat and organized as my mother was? And probably never will be.

I miss not having to worry about the bad in this world.

Because although I didn’t get it right the first time, I have found a love that mirrors mine. Who–even though, I have trust issues, anxiety and many insecurities–still loves me for me. Someone who would move mountains and help me carry my baggage and burdens. I have someone who sees the good in me and knows that I am enough.

…Even though lately all I see is bad.

I miss the me that only knew the good.

The good in this world.

The good in other people.

The good in me.

Mom's Corner

To the Mom who…

To the new mom

…who thinks she has no idea what she’s gotten herself into. That feels like you’ll never know what a full nights sleep is like ever again. That never knew what your heart is capable of loving. Who has given up her body to create a new tiny body and is feeling self conscious about it. The ones who have tried everything to get their baby to stop crying and has to put their baby down and walk away for a few minutes. Who even though she wants to close her eyes from being up tending to a fussy baby for hours, still lies awake to watch the rise and fall of their baby’s chest.

I know.

To the working mom

…who wakes up at 6am to shower, get ready (maybe), make breakfast for her kids, get them ready for school, and then off to daycare. Who wishes she spent more hours of the day with the tiny people she’s made from scratch, than with people who would replace her if she died tomorrow. Who clocks out, picks them up from two different locations, goes home, makes dinner, tidies up (ish… or doesn’t) the house, maybe gets to eat her food warm with her family, then bathes and puts the kids to bed before maybe having time for herself or her husband.

I know.

To the stay at home mom

…who wakes up to human alarm clocks just to make breakfast that they asked for but really didn’t want. Who cleans dirty faces, hands and diapers all day. The ones getting sick, then better, then sick again because the other kids catches it–so clearly you need to catch it again too, because it’s only fair. The ones who clean up 3 or 4 times, just for it to look like a tornado hit right before dad walks in. The ones getting all “felt up” by kids and toddlers all day and then at the end of the day crave adult attention and communication or even just some peace and quiet to try and do the things you tried to do all day but couldn’t.

I know.

To the military mom

…who would put their lives on the line for their country even if that means leaving their families behind just so they can live a better life. The ones who make sacrifice after sacrifice year after year to do what the military tells them when the military tells them with very little say. The ones who say goodbye to their little ones for months that feel like years with an ache in their heart only a mother would feel. Who go to the CDC on base during their lunch to see their babies–even if they’re sleeping–and lay/eat with them because you miss them.

I know.

To the military spouse mom

…who also sacrifices a lot to be with and without her family. Who knows the true meaning of “It takes a village“–because without that village you’d lose your mind. Who leaves the rest of her family to support her new family in all their endeavors to come. Yet wishes her parents/siblings could be around her kids more often. The ones that hold down the fort at home because sometimes it’s impossible to maintain a career anywhere because you know in just a few short years you’re going to have to leave that career/company behind because you’re moving overseas.

I know.

To the mom of a child with special needs

…who work overtime as a parent of even just one child because patience alone is hard to come by some days. Who are afraid to tackle certain everyday tasks in public in fear an episode or health issue may arise. Who secretly wishes someone would volunteer to help her even just so she can do some laundry, without fear of asking in hopes someone doesn’t question her abilities as a mom. The ones that cry for their child because this world is an ugly place and no matter what you do there’s no escaping it. That cry because they feel like they’ve done any and everything they possibly can and it still isn’t comforting their child.

As a mom to friends with special needs children who has been there for them on their “bad days“.

I know.

To the mom who has it all figured out

…good for you. Just kidding! I wish I were you because.

I do not know.

And to all the moms

…who feel under appreciated, stressed to the maximum capacity, drained, alone, stranded–even if you feel like it’s all in your mind. Who get so fed up at times–just to look at their innocent faces and realize no matter how bad the times–it is all so worth it.

Just remember there’s a village of us out there who have either been there, are passing through, or know someone who has.

And we know.

Mom's Corner

Me, my kids, and a Chic Fil A bathroom stall–A story of my almost-meltdown

So today I ran an errand just myself with the kids, and since they were so good I treated them (okay, I treated myself) to Chic fil a. We ate, then the girls played and then let me tell you what happened.

Chaos.

My family has been hit with some kind of sinus/icky/head-cold, something. My oldest was the last to get it and the other day she had a pretty good nosebleed because she doesn’t know how to leave her nose alone. It was a posterior nose bleed so those look like you’re going to bleed out forever. WELL! It decided to happen again today while we were there and just about to leave. I told her to run to the bathroom and get in a stall and I’ll be in there in just a minute. So I got to the table, where I had just strapped my youngest into the highchair to finish up some nuggets before we left, packed up our belongings really quick, grabbed the girls’ shoes (yeah, she ran into the bathroom shoeless, but she was bleeding everywhere!) and rolled my youngest in her highchair to a booth closest to the bathroom. I opened the bathroom door and slid her shoes into the stall she was in, and then popped right back out to pick up my toddler to go and help out big sissy. I told her to open the stall door and let us in and OH MY GOSH.

Blood.

EVERYWHERE!

On the toilet seat, the floor, the toilet paper dispenser, dripping down her arms, the freaking wall! It just wouldn’t stop! I tried my best to clean it up as we were getting her face situated and just like trick birthday candles the blood just kept reappearing. I bet the people in the dining area were wondering what the hell was going on in that bathroom because all you could hear was flush, clunk, flush, “come back here!”, flush, door slam, flush, crying, flush, clunk, flush, screaming, flush, “get off the floor!”, flush… over and over..

My toddler was initially trying so hard to help her big sister by trying to get more toilet paper for her to dam up sissy’s nostrils. But since I didn’t want her covered in blood like the rest of the bathroom I had to keep telling her “No!“. Cue the crying and the tantrum-ing! I now had one kid covered in blood, and another kid covered in public restroom cooties! So not only was there blood everywhere but there were also little, itty-bitty, confetti-sized toilet paper shreds all over the floor.

At one point another lady came in and had to take a number two and the poor lady not only had to deal with the madness that was happening in the stall next to hers, but also with my toddler trying to join in on her potty adventures from under the stall walls trying to start up some baby babble small talk.

Then my toddler figured out how to open the stall doors because she watched me as I was leaving the stall to gather something with a little more durability, like paper towels instead of melt-in-your-hands public restroom toilet paper, with some soap! She also managed to smash her fingers somehow between the two different stall doors. Cue more screaming! And I had to keep apologizing as I was walking back and forth from the stall to the sink to another lady waiting on one of the two stalls to free up while this is all going on. Some luck she had–either a stall that was just covered in blood or a fresh stinky poo-poo stall.

But bless this woman’s heart, she saved my my sanity. My youngest walked up to her with tears in her eyes and her snot clad face, she looked up at the lady, waved, and said “hiiii” in the saddest voice ever. The lady bent down and just started engaging with her. She kindly told me if I’m okay with it she was willing to stand there and try and keep her company if she’d let her. Luckily my oldest’s face decided to finally clot and stop bleeding just in time. So I cleaned her up as best as I could, and sent her to the sink to wash her hands and face.

And I stood there, paper towels in hand, taking in the lovely mess that almost robbed me of my sanity and took a deep breath, cleaned up the blood from the toilet, walls, floor, etc, and blew all the toilet paper scraps into one measly pile and gave my last bit of effort to pick those up too.

I walked out of that stall (lady doo-doo was still in stall number two) and thanked that very kind woman for helping me out and that I was sorry she had to wait so long. She said “Honey, you’re doing the best you can, and you kept calm, us grandmas were once moms too, you know! You and your beautiful girls take care now.”

We were in that bathroom at least 25 minutes between the start of the nosebleed, to me finishing up my janitorial duties and finally washing my hands. I had so many eyes fixated on me when we walked out– arms full with a toddler on my hip, a bag of food and a drink in one hand, my purse across my body and a diaper bag on my back and escorting my oldest through the restaurant. But yet, thanks to that wonderful woman, I was not embarrassed, because I was doing the best that I can.

And that is all that matters.

 

 

Life change

30 things I’ve learned in life– Welcome to my 30s!

(I started writing this a day and a half ago and never finished because, you know, parenting. Pretend it’s August 15th!)

30. THIR-ty. thir-TY!! 1988!

No matter where I place the emphasis in the word it doesn’t change the fact that I’m 3 decades old.

I woke up today to the sound of my kids (kids! Plural! I’m like an adult or something!). So my oldest likes to wake up at the butt crack of dawn and will help finagle my youngest out of her crib. And usually they play and let me sleep in for a little while (and by sleep in I mean laying here listening to them play for an extra ten minutes while I struggle with my inability to succumb to the fact I need to wake up) but not today! They giggled their way into my bed and my youngest slammed her body right onto my gut, followed by the biggest hug. My oldest slithered her way under the cover and into the nook of my arm and we tickled, and we cuddled, and we laughed (so hard that my oldest farted), and I woke up happy.

I know too many people who were not able to wake up on their 30th birthday and experience what I got to…because they never made it to 30. So here is my list of things I’ve learned/things you should start doing:

  1. Life is short. Stop wasting it on things and people that/who don’t matter.
  2. Drink more water. If you think you’re drinking enough, drink more.
  3. Don’t tell your secrets to your kids. They’ll tell any and everyone who will listen.
  4. Befriend the “weirdo” at work. I promise you’ll learn something amazing about them and maybe something about yourself.
  5. You don’t have to pay full price for EVERYTHING. There are huge discounts out there if you sign up for newsletters and look at other resources!
  6. If you want to do something for yourself, do it. Just do it.
  7. Don’t settle. Please don’t settle.
  8. …but also don’t have unrealistic expectations
  9. Read! Read a good book or a bad one! Just read. Your brain will thank you for it.
  10. Learn a new skill, or a hobby. If you don’t like it, then find a new one! You now know how to do something you didn’t know before.
  11. Tell everyone you love, that you love them. Make sure they know. Don’t let people who are important to you wonder where they stand in your life.
  12. Try to find the good in all things. There is always a silver lining.
  13. Bring wipes everywhere. (Especially if you have kids)
  14. Make someones life a little easier. Pay for someone’s coffee behind you in line, babysit for a much needed couple, invite someone over and make them dinner.
  15. Smile more often.
  16. Pamper yourself from time to time.
  17. Its okay to sit and do nothing once in a while. Life doesn’t always have to be busy!
  18. Not all people speak your “love language”. Try not to force someone to be like you or make them feel like they’re loving wrong.
  19. No matter how nice you are, there will always be someone who will judge you. Try not to let it bother you.
  20. Be more organized. I suck at this, like really bad. But I am trying.
  21. Your best friend may become a stranger. *shrugs*
  22. Making friends as an adult sucks. A mom adult, at that.
  23. Rushing causes more stress. Why are we rushing our kids out the door? Slow down.  Time goes by way too fast without us having to make it faster.
  24. Support your friends and family. Making them feel like what they do matters really does mean a lot.
  25. Do something that scares you. The adrenaline that will follow will be exhilarating (Doesn’t have to be skydiving, leaving a job to follow a different dream is one example).
  26. If you have kids, love on them any chance you get. They get annoying, yes. But the time you have with them while they are little is minimal and it flies.
  27. Print off your photos. I have 25k photos on my phone (I’m not even exaggerating). I print them off from time to time. Even if they just go in a box later on. Having something physical to look at is a fad that has almost been thrown out.
  28. Let your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/family love you. Take their compliments. Leave your door open to it. You are worth it.
  29. Let go of grudges
  30. Love yourself. Seriously. No one can fully love you right, without you loving yourself in some way, first.

 

This list wasn’t as easy as I thought it’d be and partly thought up on a whim. However, I hope you enjoyed it.

Welcome to my thirties!!! Where I’m sure I will still not know what I’m doing.

Mom's Corner

My kids stayed with grandma for the night… and I felt lost.

So I turn 30 in 3 days.

…I mean 2 days (12:08am)

So my husband treated me to a night out. We went to a bar that had an amazing band and we went with a couple of friends we hadn’t seen in a while. And an hour into the night and I’m texting my mother in law to watch for my toddlers breathing because she was coughing funny earlier that morning. I wanted to enjoy my kid-free night so I waited for her response and I put my phone away.

I documented some of the night on Snapchat and didn’t do much else. We had a few drinks, played a game of bags (aka cornhole), and danced.

I looked at my phone again at 12:14am and replied to confirm that the kids were staying the night at grandmas house. We went home, watched some tv, and didn’t have to tiptoe or whisper.

But I did it anyway.

I was subconsciously doing mom things. I peeked inside my youngest’s room, I panicked for a quick second wondering if I forgot to go downstairs to read my oldest a bedtime story–until I remembered she wasn’t here. We aren’t used to having the house to ourselves. I’m not used to the kids not being around. I enjoyed the alone time with my husband. But I never felt so lost all at the same time.

I can do date nights. I can go hours away from my kids (although I do admit being away from my kids more and more the older I get, sucks!). But this whole overnight thing got to me. I love being the one who puts my toddler to bed and plays peek a boo with her blankie for a few extra minutes and kiss her little toes while she tickles her face with my hair. I love one on one time with my oldest while I tuck her in, read her a story and tickle her back. Or watch tv with her until she falls asleep with me on the couch.

That’s my job.

Yes I know. I know grandmas and aunties are fully capable of watching over my kids. I could not ask for better grandmas and aunties (and uncles) for my girls. But speaking of jobs, lately, working full time hadn’t been fulfilling. I had been looking left and right as to why that is and what it is that I’ve been missing out on. I have been home for a couple of weeks being solely a mom. A mom, a homemaker, a wife.

And I have never been so fulfilled at any other job as I have felt while being home with my kids being able to spend precious, frustrating, undivided, time with them.

So last night while I was out enjoying my husband and my kids were safe, playing with family, I was also missing my kids. I missed my mommy duties.

But I also missed having alone time with my husband. I already had a kid when we met. So we’ve never really had that “just us” phase of our relationship. He gladly, without hesitation, jumped into a relationship with us two and stepped up to be the man and father he didn’t have to be. We rarely get date nights so I am thankful when we get them.

The ugly side of this all is that no matter what I do I feel guilty. Guilty that I’m missing my kids when its just us on a date night, guilty that I don’t get to be with my husband alone more often, guilty that my kids went to bed without me, guilty that I even feel guilty at all!

So I felt lost without my kids. So what? I’d get lost in the chaos of motherhood over and over again just to be able to re-experience the exhilaration of it all.

So I need to let my kids enjoy their other family members so that I can enjoy some time with my wonderful husband. Guilt free time. I need to let them get to know their family better. It’s not like they dread it. They enjoy going to see everyone. They love playing with our family and their cousins. I need to give myself a break step back from mom duties, even for one whole night.

Wife hat, mom hat. One piled on the top of the other. I can do it. I can find my way through motherhood without getting lost.

Life change

Making lemonade: A recipe for life. 4 steps on how to take the NEXT step!

I’m making lemonade.

Because you know why? My good friend Life has thrown some lemons my way… aaand I’m feeling cliché, so there’s that.

No. This isn’t an actual lemonade recipe. Rather a recipe for how to find the good in the bad.

I know I’m not the only one out there who feels this way. Some unexpected hurdles have been placed in my way but since I decided on making lemonade versus throwing them back at Life and asking for chocolate instead, I will be making the best of it. Here goes. Hope this helps someone.

Planning what to do next

Hurdles are inserted in life as a means to make your path from point A to point B a little more difficult. When you approach one, immediately your brain processes how to get past it. There are a few options: over, under, or around. And there isn’t a right or wrong way. Just get past the darn thing and move along! This part was easy for me. I already had all these ideas “made up” in my head that only other people do and I’ll never get to but really wanted to! So you know what?

I’m doing it. With help, that is!

Whatever it is you think you cant do. I assure you, you can. Which leads me to this…

Find what motivates you

Whether it’s a person or people, a movie, a quote! For me, it’s the means to still be able to provide for my family in a way that I am happy about doing. My husband has assured me I can do this with obvious adjustments in our spending habits.

I also picked up the book “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis. I’ve heard amazing things about it. The tag line flat out says

Stop believing the lies about who you are so you can become who you were meant to be

It’s like it was written just for me!

Be realistic!

I know I basically just said shoot for the stars…

but I didn’t say you’ll land on the moon. Not right away at least. (And if you do! Good for you! But if you’re like me– I have terrible aim, and my depth perception is whack so I’ll probably shoot for the stars, and maybe clip a cloud and then come back down from my high and try again soon.)

In fact, there will be all these things in your head about how awesome your ideas are and how exciting this new adventure will be! And they are! But don’t think you’ll: become a millionaire overnight, go viral in a day, have everyone you love support you. You’ll probably lose money figuring out what works best, or you may not be targeting the right audience to go viral, and then you’ll have people who you swear will support your ideas and then come to find out… they don’t.

“Failing” is okay

Just make sure you keep “failing” until you make it! I know for me personally there will be a lot of trial and error but that is something I am expecting so that I am not surprised when it happens. You may not fail! (lucky!) but just in case you do… it’s totally normal. I fail at many normal everyday things all the time. I’m formally accepting it as a personality trait at this point. *wink*

So look, I’m no professional. But I get it. I understand that there are things you want to do that you think you can’t. It won’t always be easy. Just take the leap! Give a shot. Because you’ll never know if the what if’s will ever be the I can’s.

The hurdles will always be there. Get over, under, or around them. You’re a grown ass woman/man, you can do what you want!

Please note: There is a possibility that this recipe may turn out sour for some people. Even for me. You can always leave it as it is, dump it and start over, dump it and go back to life without lemonade, or add sugar! Whatever you do. Be happy with yourself.